When preparing for chemotherapy, I resisted the urge to read forums and get advice from non-professionals. I would be doing chemo no matter what so gathering details about the potentially sick and wrong things it would do to me seemed unnecessarily cruel.

I attempted this same methodology on surgery research and felt quite unprepared for the conversations had with my breast surgeon and as I interviewed plastic surgeons who would be performing reconstruction. I’ve since been devouring info, images, personal experiences, and options. Is it scary? You bet. But, because my decision will impact my life forever, I want to move forward with my eyes wide open.

I am opting for a bilateral nipple-sparing mastectomy and implant reconstruction. In other words, we will remove both breasts but leave the skin and nipple as a pocket for (sorta) immediate reconstruction. It is a more extreme surgery than a lumpectomy with radiation, which I’m also a candidate for, but I have good reasons for my decision.

Why, you ask, would I say “bye, Felicia” to both my breasts when I don’t have to? Great question.

First, a lumpectomy would require 7 weeks of daily radiation therapy post-surgery. That extends my treatment significantly in a pretty un-fun way. Radiation could leave my skin leathery for life and could prevent reconstruction options later on should the cancer return.

Also, leaving breast tissue makes me nervous. Statistically, lumpectomy combined with radiation does provide similarly low chance of cancer recurrence compared with mastectomy. But, I like to use my brain as well as stats. My brain knows that when breast tissue is present, there is a chance the cancer will return and I’ll have to do a whole treatment plan similar to the one I’m doing now all over again. Since I’m so young, the chances do increase it could happen again. I’m not willing to risk that and would instead prefer to have a more radical surgery preventatively, even though the complications from a larger surgery are more likely.

From a cosmetic standpoint, breast symmetry is more likely if I have the same surgery on both breasts. My breasts are small but nearly perfect and I’d like them to stay that way. While I didn’t intend on ever having breast augmentation, I always fantasized about slightly larger, perky breasts, especially as I got a bit older and began to notice gravity’s gentle coaxing. Now I’ll get my chance. You wanted a silver living, here you go.

That being said, I want a very natural look and highest safety rating with my new breasts. This means I will likely be doing a tear-drop shaped*, cohesive silicon implant, also known as a “gummy bear” implant. They don’t leak and have a very natural appearance and feel. They feel like a new, just-opened gummy bear, not one that sat on the counter overnight.

I also believe, because I’m pretty active, that I’ll have the implant placed above the pectoral muscle. This is much less painful during recovery and eliminates the chance the implants will move around when I am dancing in aerial silks or otherwise flinging myself around dance floors and music festivals.

The mastectomy surgery will be performed after I’ve recovered from the last chemo treatment so likely early November 2016. Skin expanders may be placed during that surgery to allow for healing and ensure the final implants look, feel, and behave like champs. Then, they’ll swap out the expanders with soft, snuggly gummy bear implants for us all to enjoy a few months later.

I’ll follow up with more info once final decisions have been made and post pics as I can.

*Updated implant info here.